Miss Mocha Chino

 So, I’m pretty new to the coffee ~scene~ having never had coffee before the pandemic began. 

Let me start by saying, I GET IT NOW. Guys, I didn’t believe you. This shit is fire. God bless the coffee bean. 

(Who’s on board with calling it Java again? Like, rollerblading is back in style, so can we also hang out at places like The Bean Scene and snap while listening to Slam Poetry by sultry, intelligent, beret wearing lady dogs in ballet flats? Is it obvious The Extremely Goofy Movie shaped my views on coffee drinking and the college experience? Sadly, I went to BYU where you can’t get a caffeinated soda, let alone a coffee, and there are NO X GAMES competitions. But I digress..) 

In my limited experience as a n00by adult coffee drinker, I’ve learned that no two coffee shops are created the same. And some places are safer than others for the inexperienced and confused. Here is my incomplete list for the casual coffee novice:

1. Starbucks: You snooty coffee drinkers are rolling your eyes at this basic ass answer, I know it. But here is the deal, here in the PNW these babies are everywhere. And they do a solid job of caffeinating the masses. Let’s give credit where credit is due. The employees are SO nice and unintimidating; I can look them right in the eye and say “I have no idea what that means or what I want PLEASE HELP.” They smile and say “oh sweetie, okay let’s find you something yummy.” They will then help you find the sweetest, sugariest, loveliest drink you can imagine. It WILL ruin all coffee for you for weeks, but it’s worth it. Pro: hella nice employees and, sometimes, a drive thru. Con: sugar high and caffeine rush combo may kill you. 

   
   

2. The Small Eclectic Coffee Shop down the street from you: Okay, this is where you will find the Seasonal Lavender Latte or Local Tapped Maple Cold Brew. This place, and most like it, are the real deal with hella strong brews and menus with three things on them. They will assume you know everything there is to know about coffee and will blink approximately 4 times before listing off the flavors they have. I’m not sure why asking for the flavors is such a shocking question every time, but it is. Every time I go to one of these, I get overwhelmed and feign coffee knowledge. This inevitably leads to me ordering the wrong thing, tasting it, gagging, and refusing to go back to fix it because I CANNOT tell the intimidating teenage barista with wide flare jeans (who is way cooler than me) that I DON’T KNOW WHAT I’M DOING. Pro: You will look like a coffee connoisseur with your plain coffee cup. Con: You will hate your drink and need to add dubious amounts of creamer at home in order to make it drinkable. Also, it will cost $9 plus tip for 6oz. 

   
   

3. Mercury’s Co: This is a definite point and order place, which I appreciate IMMENSELY. Their menu is enormous and it lists every flavor, size, type, etc etc. This eases my anxiety ridden mind and I can plan ahead by looking at the menu. The employees are super nice and good at quick small talk. Pro: you get a dark chocolate covered coffee bean with your drink. Con: the line is always 40 cars long.

   
   

4. Mcdonalds: I swear if you judge me right now.. But listen, I’m a mom of two little kids. They need a damn happy meal. I only have time for ONE drive thru. I’m getting a McDanks coffee to go. Now, I’ve tried the hot McCafe: Undrinkable. The iced caramel coffee, however? Catch me buying 5 and getting 1 free on my trusty Mcdonald’s app, mmkay? Pro: $2 and delish. Con: unaesthetic McCafe cup 

That’s it. That is the extent of the knowledge I have accumulated in a year of coffee experimentation. It started as a desperate bid for any sort of energy AT ALL and has led to my researching various travel mugs and their merits. 

Oh. I can also use a Keurig. So, just call me Miss Mocha Chino, baby.