Zombie Mom: Let’s Rewrite What’s “Normal” in Motherhood

If we are continually defining "normal" as "barely surviving," mothers will suffer for the sake of normalcy.

Why is the stereotypical “zombie mom” so prominent in entertainment? Why do moms themselves play into the joke? It’s because it’s expected. It’s preached and shouted and shown as normal. Moms on television walk onscreen with dark under eyes, stained shirts, messy hair, and a crying baby. They are met with a laugh track or a cruel joke at their expense. It’s an overdone trope, an easy laugh, because it is based in truth. Mothers are simply expected to place every personal need on hold to nurture their children. This exhausted, overwhelmed woman is being told that feeling awful is *NORMAL* and something to be proud of. 

I fell into this trap last year. I had a newborn and a wild toddler. I wasn’t sleeping. I wasn’t eating much. I didn’t want to leave the house. I was angry all the time. I was inhumanly tired. I was losing weight, fast. I was depressed. I was, simply stated, sick. But I had heard SO MUCH about the “survival phase” of having a second baby. I thought all of this was normal and I wasn’t doing enough. I thought I wasn’t handling the transition as well as other moms because I wasn’t finding joy in my kids or my interests. I was so sad. 

6 months into that hell, my legs started to randomly give out while I was carrying Dez. I knew THAT wasn’t normal. My exhaustion was so acute, I couldn’t walk up a flight of stairs. I was going to sleep at 8pm and would take a nap every day. I was still losing weight. After a doctor visit, bloodwork, a referral to a specialist, and even more bloodwork, I found my experience was, indeed, not normal. 

I had Graves’ disease, a chronic condition of hyperactivity in my thyroid. My hormone levels were astoundingly high. And I’d been moving through life thinking all these symptoms were normal and I was supposed to be tired, depressed, and anxious. That I was supposed to have a broken body and mind. 

Lucky for me, my chronic disease came with a super cute partner, postpartum depression. ♡

It took months of high doses of medications and changes to level out my thyroid and months more of increasing dosage of antidepressants. It was months and months until I recognized myself again. It was months and months before I loved being a mom again. 

One of the first days I realized how far I'd come, landed on a snow day in Washington. I managed to play outside, happily, in the snow with my two sons for HOURS. Jumping. Throwing. Rolling. LAUGHING. Things I couldn’t imagine doing even a month before that. 

Let’s rework the narrative mothers are fed. Is it normal to feel exhausted, angry, depressed, resentful, anxious, broken? No. Is it common? YES. 

Instead of instilling a fear of unavoidable exhaustion and overwhelm, we can acknowledge the presence of the symptoms and help moms everywhere have access to help. Not every mom will have a glaring chronic condition like me, but many moms exhibit signs of Postpartum Depression/Anxiety/Rage. Open conversations surrounding postpartum depression/anxiety/rage made a huge difference for me seeking help. Postpartum care is laughable in the U.S. A six week appointment is not sufficient to support the health of a woman who has endured pregnancy, birth trauma, and newborn sleep deprivation. It is necessary to encourage moms to follow up and advocate for their health. Ask for bloodwork. Say the words, “I don’t believe what I’m feeling is  normal.” Reach out to someone new if actions aren't being taken. It's unfortunate that, among the million other tasks moms must complete, loudly advocating for ourselves and our health is so necessary.

The expectation of moms to sacrifice wellbeing to show love and devotion for their children is damaging. We can love more fully once we are properly supporting, loving, and caring for ourselves. We don't need to be Zombie moms; we deserve to be happy and healthy.